How to Give Advice

...don't.

Everyone feels the need to fix problems. Especially me, since I'm naturally love solving problems and am quite direct. However, few people actually want advice when they talk about their problems. More often than not they just want someone to listen.

The best way to do this is hold eye-contact and paraphrase back what someone has told you. Make 'mmhm' sounds on occasion (but not too frequently). Try cocking your head to the side as well (lead the body and the mind will follow).

There have been too many times when someone has even asked me for advice only to hear me say it and still feel indecisive and need further validation. STFU and go try it or don't ask me for advice. This annoys me to death.

The best method here is inception. Or, as some may call it, the Socratic method.

Whenever someone asks for your advice, just pose the question back to them. Dig deeper by turning whatever advice you'd originally give into the form of a question. For example, if you would tell someone, "try waiting a few days and then go call them and talk about it then," instead say, "What if you waited a few days and then called them?"

Asking someone a question fires up the brain and forces them to think more critically. Most of the time we want to answer our own questions. And, we usually have the best answer anyone could give. It just requires a little push to dig in different directions.

Michaelangelo Your Life

Sand art astounds me. I love the skill and creativity behind it. In fact, I appreciate all kinds of art. In particular, sculpture is a fantastic art form. Creating something wonderful out of a large block of stone catches my interest.

The single most important realization I've come to in my 24 years on this planet is that we create our own realities. This happens through our own biases, perceptions, and beliefs. Our minds cannot process all of the information we receive, so our brain chooses between pieces of information.

Thus, if we decide what to believe, we effectively become master sculptors of our own realities. However, this requires a strong internal locus of control. Many people lack this and believe they are at the mercy of external circumstance.

While many natural laws and external factors do affect our lives, it is more healthy to believe that we ultimately have more control than not. We are inherently repelled by people who complain and adopt the woe-is-me mentalities (unless we do the same, in which case we may draw those people into our lives).

While I cannot say that I believe the law of attraction actually changes physical reality, it is an unnecessary claim because we can change our realities simply by changing our perceptions.

Try this quick exercise with me. Take a moment and look around you and notice all of the things which are blue. Go ahead, take a few moments right now. I'll wait.

...now, can you tell what was red?

Probably not (unless the guy in front of you is wearing a red shirt). This is because our reticular activating system directs our attention (which I also describe as presence or awareness) toward one thing or another rather than trying to soak in all information and then filter it.

As a result, our attention becomes one of the most influencing forces in our lives. We can either wire or brains to focus on the positive or the negative. Habitual use then strengthens these circuits. Thus, changing our brain structures changes our realities.

Our behaviors come from our brains circuits, but behavior also changes our brain circuits. It's a loop phenomena.

Realize that you are the Michelangelo of your own life. You have the power to sculpt your own reality.

Self-Improvement Is Not Really About Improvement

Alan Watts demonstrates an important point in this video. We already are the brahma.

The conventional perspective to self-improvement is that of becoming great. This is somewhat false. Realize that you already possess greatness. All you must do is remove the mental obstacles that limit your greatness. These include false beliefs, social conditioning, self-doubt, and many other limitations adopted since early childhood.

Imagine your greatness as an infinite ocean spanning across all of space and time. At the center, there is a large well (or access point). However, this well is buried under heaps of bullshit. Dead earth and slimy fungus plug up the opening.

You can plant gorgeous flowers and huge red woods on top of the rubbish, but they will not live long. Instead, clear away the dead earth and fungus and allow the well to gush forth with liquid greatness and nourish the flowers and trees to grow as wide and as tall as the eye can see.

Here are two quick action steps to get started:
-Read The Voice of Knowledge
-Take 1 negative belief or thought and disprove it. For example, if you think "I'm stupid," sit down with a piece of paper and write "I'm smart" at the top. Next, write down at least ten instances where you did something smart.

Don't Listen To Me, I'm A Dumbass

Okay, that's a lie. I'm pretty smart. But you're smarter, or at least you have that potential, because our own minds know us better than anyone else (even when we feel lost). The human mind poses a huge well of power. However, accessing that power is the difficult part. It requires high levels of: self-awareness, critical thought, honesty, openness, nonjudgmentalness, acceptance, patience, and faith. Wow. That's a big list.

People often seek advice or instruction. While having both and internal and external perspective is important, many people simply forget about the internal.

If there's something you want to answer or achieve, ask yourself first before seeking out external resources. Many times our minds will show us the path if we have a little patience.  In the words of The Brain, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

R-Drive Happiness

Another sweet test from similarminds.org  is the R-Drive test. It comes in short (65 questions) and long (165 questions) versions and provides insight into what you find rewarding and motivating (i.e. what makes you happy) in addition to relevant weak spots.

I found mine to be accurate so I thought I'd share the test. My results:

Happy                                                                                Potential Flaws
Being independent                                                           Avoidance
Intellectual complexity                                                    Impractical, alienation
Structure                                                                           Rigid, lacking spontaneity
Change                                                                               Not sticking to something
Physical exercise
Being calm

Take the test and let me know how accurate it was in describing you.

The Most Atrocious Advice

"Just be yourself"

The most cliche and indeterminate advice in history.

Actually, that's a bit of a lie. In reality, this is simultaneously some of the worst and best advice. It's horrible because nobody knows what it means. People throw out it as much as they do filler um... uhh... ummmm... words.

Let's break this down and see how it can become a wonderful piece of wisdom. Here's what it means in an evolved sense.

"Just be yourself," really means...

Be outcome independent. In other words, speak to people as if your words and actions are merely an expression of value. Don't be trying to get something from others. Don't try to make her laugh or smile or start unzipping your pants.

However, this turns into a paradox and you should own up to your intentions. If you're attracted to someone, don't try to hide it. Why in the world do people try to hide it that they like someone?! How can you hook up if everyone is trying to pretend they don't like each other?

"Hey dude, that girl is totally cute..."

[girl makes eye-contact]

[guys darts his eyes away quickly. ends up forever alone]

We are supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. Own up to it. You may think it sounds creepy, but actually trying to hide it comes off as creepy. It ends up turning into manipulation because guys end up doing nice things for women only because they think and expect attraction and sex in return and women end up being too passive or hard-to-get and complain that there are no good men.

Finally, being yourself requires being present to the moment rather than living in the past or future. Being aware of your body and your surroundings is the best way to become present. I have many posts about this topic as I believe it to be a fundamental principle in a fulfilling life.

In summary, "be yourself" really means:

• Stop trying to get validation from people, but give them value by sharing your genuine personality. Let them take it or leave it. Expression not impression.
• Don't hide your intentions, but own up to them. Stop being ashamed of your sexual desires.
• Be present to the moment instead of stuck in your head thinking of ways to look cool.

This is also the true definition of being "normal" (which is not the same as being average).

Executive of the World

If you're having trouble in finding a satisfying career, take this mini career inventory test at similarminds.com for a sense of what career style you're suited for. My results:

Extroversion - 73%
Emotional stability - 60%
Orderliness - 83%
Altruism - 40%
Inquisitiveness - 86%

These traits mixed together resulted in an "Executive" career style. Been seeing this theme in my recent career and personality studies. Reflecting on my thoughts, behaviors, and areas for growth, I feel this is accurate.

The above website is a good resource with plenty of other tests so be sure to check it out!

Know Your Value

Everyone has something valuable to offer, yet many people put others on a pedestal and behave supplicatively. They don't believe in themselves and feel (usually subconsciously) as if others are somehow better than them. This is hugely unattractive. There is no reason why you are not enough.

In order to refresh yourself, sit down with a pen and paper and answer the following questions. Do it by hand first as this is more effective. You can transfer it to a word document after.

This will help you see your own value. I've included several of my own answers so you have an idea (my actual answers are much longer).

1. What makes me special?
-I'm very intelligent; I can easily stimulate people's minds and challenge them
-I'm very creative and imaginative; I have tons of great solutions, ideas, and stories
-Sophisticated, well-spoken, well-dressed

2. What makes me attractive?
-My confident attitude
-My style
-My nice body shape, full lips, firm ass, long fingers, ...

3. Why would a hot person of the opposite sex want to sleep with me?
-She'll feel safe, comfortable, and excited
-She'll be thoroughly dominated
-She'll enjoy my vivid imagination

Come back to it from time to time and add or re-answer the questions.

There Is A Voice Inside Your Head

This is one of my favorite books. It's short and sweet, which is how I like it (though not in the bedroom). You could read it in a day or two. Now that's my kind of bedroom session.

Ruiz states that after we are born and begin our socialization, we develop a "Voice of Knowledge" which is basically a collection of all of the negative lies we hear: you're not smart enough, you need to be a doctor to be successful, you have to change who you are.

The key to restoring our natural, child-like joy and peace, that which we are born with but becomes lost, is to realize that we have been sold the lie of our imperfection and to stop believing it.

I've contemplated these ideas and have used it to create a personal introspection tool for myself. I periodically ask whether I am speaking and acting from the Voice of Knowledge or the voice which I have named the Voice of Truth.

The Voice of Knowledge is composed of self-doubt, competition, judgment, social conditioning, heaviness, and negativity. It accounts for about 90% of inner dialogue and beliefs. It is completely false. This is the polluted sea.

The Voice of Truth is composed of self-trust, clarity, cooperation, acceptance, honesty, instinct, fluidity. It is the antithesis of the first and is completely true. This is the voice that treads softly along the top of the mind and requires immediate action rather than obsessive thought to access. It accounts for 10% of inner dialogue and beliefs. It is simultaneously the easiest and yet the most difficult voice to access. This is the free-flowing stream that originates from the cold, pure mountain glacier.

Which voice rules your own mind?

Strengths - Via Me

Part of knowing who we are is knowing our strengths and developing them. Most of us are taught to focus on our weaknesses and improve those. However, there are several good arguments against this mode of living, which I'll discuss in a later post. Essentially, this conventional approach fails to maximize our impact on the world.

One resource for helping uncovering our strengths is viame.org, which provides a prototypical psychology test and spits out a ranking of your top strengths. The basic version is free.

According to this test, my top 5 strengths are:

1. Bravery
2. Perseverance
3. Creativity
4. Love learning
5. Curiosity

Thinking about my past experiences, this makes sense to me. The first two in particular are less apparent to others as they are more of an internal quality which I tend not to express while the last three are probably quite apparent to my friends and even strangers.

Keep in mind this is only one resource and cannot define a dynamic individual. Introspection would be another useful tool in addition to the MBTI (which I resisted for a long time but found to be quite useful as of late).