I rank highly on the Neuroticism personality scale; I prefer to take control and be the leader. Yet, I catch myself looking for permission on occasion and I can feel a sensation of weakness whenever I'm not going after what I want. This stems from a combination of crappy social conditioning and a lack of strong role models.
Leaders don't seek permission, they take action regardless of what others think. There are few leaders in the world and many followers. That's totally fine, not everyone has to lead others, though everyone should have the ability to lead themselves. Certain personalities have natural leadership qualities, yet they can be highly underdeveloped. Dominance is just one aspect of leadership. It's something I would like to cultivate.
I've noticed the following common traits among dominant people:
- They touch people frequently. Submissive and passive people tend to be wary or fearful of touching others. Dominant people aren't afraid to use touch for emphasis, appreciation, or attention.
- Dominant people tend to be more physically expressive, using more hand gestures and facial expressions than an average person. However, there are expressive people who aren't necessarily dominant.
- Hold strong eye-contact and don't look away first.
- Initiate, whether it is a handshake or a get together.
- Ask for forgiveness rather than for permission.
- Make decisions and take control.
- Are highly secure with themselves.
- Have strong boundaries. This is extremely important. Most people have underdeveloped boundaries. I really wish this was taught in school.
- Have a strong identity, life purpose, and/or are charismatic or charming.
- Have a high social and/or emotional intelligence. Because they take action before seeking permission, it is very important to read non-verbal communication so as not to cross boundaries or disrespect others.
There are two main strategies when it comes to cultivating personality traits, which can be summarized by the following: "Lead the mind, and the body will follow. Lead the body, and the mind will follow." Science backs this up as well.
Leading the mind entails a method acting type of approach. The simplest way is to ask questions to yourself and then let your subconscious return the answer. This is called contemplation, introspection, or meditation. Have you had the experience where someone asked you for advice, you gave it to them, and they still wanted more advice? They just couldn't accept or run with it but still seemed unsure?
Well, that's usually because people want to find the answer themselves (or because they're stuck in a victim mentality and don't actually want help). You can almost always find the right answer yourself. Just ask your brain questions, "How can I be more dominant?" "How would a dominant person behave?" Then let your subconscious do the work.
The second way, leading the body, entails modelling behaviors of dominant people. So, take any aspect from the list above and tell yourself that you will do more of it. For example, say, "Today, I will use more hand gestures as I speak." Throughout the day, check in on yourself to see whether you are doing it. Your behavior will affect your mental attitude the same way your attitude affects your behavior.
The learning process follows this pattern:
Unconscious incompetence --> conscious incompetence --> conscious competence --> unconscious competence. I'll cover this later.
The key issues are to focus on one behavior or attitude at a time and to have a strong awareness that allows you to recognize answers as they float up to your mind and allows you to remember to check in through out the day. You can call this mindfulness or presence.
