R-Drive Happiness

Another sweet test from similarminds.org  is the R-Drive test. It comes in short (65 questions) and long (165 questions) versions and provides insight into what you find rewarding and motivating (i.e. what makes you happy) in addition to relevant weak spots.

I found mine to be accurate so I thought I'd share the test. My results:

Happy                                                                                Potential Flaws
Being independent                                                           Avoidance
Intellectual complexity                                                    Impractical, alienation
Structure                                                                           Rigid, lacking spontaneity
Change                                                                               Not sticking to something
Physical exercise
Being calm

Take the test and let me know how accurate it was in describing you.

Positive Dominance

People sometimes assign a negative connotation to dominance. However, dominance empowers individuals. In particular, cultivating dominance over your own life helps create an internal locus of control so as to make you feel as if you have the power to create your own reality rather than being the victim of the world. Dominance creates influence. Positive dominance is the ability to have control over life in a way that enriches your life and the life of those who you are dominant over.

I rank highly on the Neuroticism personality scale; I prefer to take control and be the leader. Yet, I catch myself looking for permission on occasion and I can feel a sensation of weakness whenever I'm not going after what I want. This stems from a combination of crappy social conditioning and a lack of strong role models.

Leaders don't seek permission, they take action regardless of what others think. There are few leaders in the world and many followers. That's totally fine, not everyone has to lead others, though everyone should have the ability to lead themselves. Certain personalities have natural leadership qualities, yet they can be highly underdeveloped. Dominance is just one aspect of leadership. It's something I would like to cultivate.

I've noticed the following common traits among dominant people:

• They touch people frequently. Submissive and passive people tend to be wary or fearful of touching others. Dominant people aren't afraid to use touch for emphasis, appreciation, or attention.
• Dominant people tend to be more physically expressive, using more hand gestures and facial expressions than an average person. However, there are expressive people who aren't necessarily dominant.
• Hold strong eye-contact and don't look away first.
• Initiate, whether it is a handshake or a get together.
• Ask for forgiveness rather than for permission.
• Make decisions and take control.
• Are highly secure with themselves.
• Have strong boundaries. This is extremely important. Most people have underdeveloped boundaries. I really wish this was taught in school.
• Have a strong identity, life purpose, and/or are charismatic or charming.
• Have a high social and/or emotional intelligence. Because they take action before seeking permission, it is very important to read non-verbal communication so as not to cross boundaries or disrespect others.

There are two main strategies when it comes to cultivating personality traits, which can be summarized by the following: "Lead the mind, and the body will follow. Lead the body, and the mind will follow." Science backs this up as well.

Leading the mind entails a method acting type of approach. The simplest way is to ask questions to yourself and then let your subconscious return the answer. This is called contemplation, introspection, or meditation. Have you had the experience where someone asked you for advice, you gave it to them, and they still wanted more advice? They just couldn't accept or run with it but still seemed unsure? 

Well, that's usually because people want to find the answer themselves (or because they're stuck in a victim mentality and don't actually want help). You can almost always find the right answer yourself. Just ask your brain questions, "How can I be more dominant?" "How would a dominant person behave?" Then let your subconscious do the work.

The second way, leading the body, entails modelling behaviors of dominant people. So, take any aspect from the list above and tell yourself that you will do more of it. For example, say, "Today, I will use more hand gestures as I speak." Throughout the day, check in on yourself to see whether you are doing it. Your behavior will affect your mental attitude the same way your attitude affects your behavior.

The learning process follows this pattern:

Unconscious incompetence --> conscious incompetence --> conscious competence --> unconscious competence. I'll cover this later.

The key issues are to focus on one behavior or attitude at a time and to have a strong awareness that allows you to recognize answers as they float up to your mind and allows you to remember to check in through out the day. You can call this mindfulness or presence.

The Most Atrocious Advice

"Just be yourself"

The most cliche and indeterminate advice in history.

Actually, that's a bit of a lie. In reality, this is simultaneously some of the worst and best advice. It's horrible because nobody knows what it means. People throw out it as much as they do filler um... uhh... ummmm... words.

Let's break this down and see how it can become a wonderful piece of wisdom. Here's what it means in an evolved sense.

"Just be yourself," really means...

Be outcome independent. In other words, speak to people as if your words and actions are merely an expression of value. Don't be trying to get something from others. Don't try to make her laugh or smile or start unzipping your pants.

However, this turns into a paradox and you should own up to your intentions. If you're attracted to someone, don't try to hide it. Why in the world do people try to hide it that they like someone?! How can you hook up if everyone is trying to pretend they don't like each other?

"Hey dude, that girl is totally cute..."

[girl makes eye-contact]

[guys darts his eyes away quickly. ends up forever alone]

We are supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. Own up to it. You may think it sounds creepy, but actually trying to hide it comes off as creepy. It ends up turning into manipulation because guys end up doing nice things for women only because they think and expect attraction and sex in return and women end up being too passive or hard-to-get and complain that there are no good men.

Finally, being yourself requires being present to the moment rather than living in the past or future. Being aware of your body and your surroundings is the best way to become present. I have many posts about this topic as I believe it to be a fundamental principle in a fulfilling life.

In summary, "be yourself" really means:

• Stop trying to get validation from people, but give them value by sharing your genuine personality. Let them take it or leave it. Expression not impression.
• Don't hide your intentions, but own up to them. Stop being ashamed of your sexual desires.
• Be present to the moment instead of stuck in your head thinking of ways to look cool.

This is also the true definition of being "normal" (which is not the same as being average).

Exude Charisma

Here's a fantastic video on building Charisma, which is very possible. It's a learned behavior, not an innate quality that people are born with.

According to Fox, there are 3 main pillars in charisma. These are presence, power, and warmth. She then goes on to explain how to build these three pillars. I summarize below, but watch the video as it is brimming with value.

1. Presence - Being in the moment and being authentic. Become present by bringing your attention to the physical sensation in your toes. Also, focus on the different colors in a person's eyes when you are speaking with them. Don't overdo it.

2. Power - Exhibited mostly through body language. The main way to exude power is to take up physical space.

3. Warmth - Exhibited mostly through the muscles in the face, particularly the eyes. To convey warmth, simply imagine someone you have great affection for when you are speaking to people. Your voice will also play a role in warmth.

Fox is the author of a book called The Charisma Myth, which is on my reading list.

Executive of the World

If you're having trouble in finding a satisfying career, take this mini career inventory test at similarminds.com for a sense of what career style you're suited for. My results:

Extroversion - 73%
Emotional stability - 60%
Orderliness - 83%
Altruism - 40%
Inquisitiveness - 86%

These traits mixed together resulted in an "Executive" career style. Been seeing this theme in my recent career and personality studies. Reflecting on my thoughts, behaviors, and areas for growth, I feel this is accurate.

The above website is a good resource with plenty of other tests so be sure to check it out!